As 2019 comes to a close and we launch full force into a new decade, I wanted to take time to reflect on some of the lessons that I learned in 2019. This year was far more challenging and rewarding than I ever expected. Our world was shaken up and changed in so many ways. We started so many new ventures and were forced to really look at what matters in our lives, and figure out what’s important to us.

LESSON 1: We’re more resilient and tougher than we thought we could be.

In January of 2019 our world was turned upside down. My mother in-law suffered from a massive stroke that nearly killed her. We spent countless hours, days, and weeks traveling between our home in Charlotte and her hospital room in Asheville. It was extremely touch and go for several weeks as she was constantly assessed and evaluated by doctors. Most of them said that she would never recover from this episode, and that we should prepare for the worst. Fast-forward a few weeks and she was back to having basic conversations, eating on her own, and was able to move all of her extremities. We made the decision to move her to Charlotte where she could get the best care and rehab possible. She completed rehab with flying colors and was back to walking short distances, having full conversations, and starting the long and difficult journey of getting back to some semblance of normalcy. It was at this time that we made the decision that the best course of action was to have her move in with my wife and I so that she could continue to get the therapy that would help her get back to a normal quality of life. For the next seven months, my wife and I cared for her in our home. The first few months were the most challenging as we settled into our new normal of doctors appointments, in-home therapy, cooking for three, and having to be home 24/7 to ensure that she was safe.

Taking care of a loved one who can’t take care of themselves is something that we never expected to have to face in our early 30’s. It was a constant struggle for my wife and I since our lives, which had been totally about us, and what we wanted, were now completely about making sure that my mother in-law got the best care that we could give her while she recovered. This carried a massive set of challenges in that we now had no time for each other. Every conversation was about planning, scheduling, managing medications and appointments, and her progress. There were so many sleepless nights, arguments, and break downs. We struggled to keep each others emotions in check. We had to learn how to get through this challenge together. We had to learn how not to find blame with one another and to find our little moments of peace and joy. We managed to find these small moments where we could laugh, cry, or just enjoy a quiet moment watching TV. These moments never lasted long, but they kept us going.

I firmly believe that this experience could’ve broken our marriage. At times it was hard not to feel resentful or angry. In spite of, and because of this experience though, we managed to come out the other side as a stronger couple. I found my ability to truly partner with my wife, and to give constantly of myself, my time, and my empathy because I knew that she was feeling the same things that I was, and even more so. I saw my wife in new ways. I saw her strength, her resilience, her patience, and her kindness. I found new levels of empathy and gratitude in my life that I didn’t know I could experience. We chose not to let this define our partnership. We chose to make our mental health a priority, and we came out of the other side stronger for it.

LESSON 2: taking calculated risks is necessary

If you want to grow, you have to take risks. Over the last few years, I’ve taken fewer risks. I have more to lose. I’ve become more and more comfortable. But if there’s one thing that I’ve learned after reflecting on the successes I’ve had this year, they’ve always come as the result of taking a calculated risk. I’ve made positive moves in my career, which were the result of seeing and taking advantage of the opportunities presented to me. Every one of those opportunities came with a risk. Would I be good at my new responsibilities? Could I handle the additional workload? Could I step up and lead? I took time to reflect on what my leaders had told me, what I had learned from those I respected. If they had the confidence in me to lead, then why shouldn’t I? Why shouldn’t I be the person that believes in my abilities the most? Now I’m not saying to be arrogant, but that we should be confident that we can make use of the tools that we have at our disposal. In my personal life, my wife and I decided to move away from the area that we’ve lived in for the last ten years to build our dream home in South Carolina. This was a huge (and honestly terrifying move). It meant that we’d be selling our house, but have no home to move into. We’d also be taking on a new set of financial and emotional obligations to make this happen. At the end of it though, we believe that we’ll be in an excellent position to live the life we want, to build our family, and to move forward with our lives with a beautiful new beginning. Personally, I made the commitment to start creating more, to start using more of my time to make content and share my opinions through videos and this blog. Creating something and bringing it into the world can be an almost paralyzing endeavor. It means that all the world can see what I’ve made and judge it for its worth. I’ve found that creating though has given me a tremendous tool and outlet to start discussions, connect with others, and to challenge my own personal beliefs in ways that I hadn’t before. It has forced me to examine who I am, what I believe in, and why I see the world in the way that I do. It has taught me that in order to keep growing, I have to keep learning, and I’ll be forever thankful for that lesson.

LESSON 3: gratitude is the only way to be truly happy

Gratitude is the attitude. In 2019 I learned the practicing gratitude has helped me see the positive lessons in even the most challenging situations. We all face challenges, whether it be in our careers, or our personal lives. When we lose sight of what we have accomplished, and the amazing world around us, then we can feel lost, angry and alone. By actively practicing gratitude, we can shift our perspective to be more positive, more forgiving, and more empathetic. I tried to change the way I saw my failures. Instead of looking at them as something to be angry about, I saw them as lessons that would make me better as a husband and a man. I was grateful for those who showed their true colors to me so that I could make better decisions on how I spent my time and energy. I learned to be grateful for my failures, for constructive criticism, and for the challenges I’ve been presented with. Each one of them holds an opportunity to learn and grow, and growth to me equals happiness.

LESSON 4: MATERIAL POSSESSIONS DON’T MAKE ME ANY HAPPIER

I love to shop. I love new gear and gadgets. I love the process of unboxing a new toy or a new thing that I somehow think is going to improve my life. However I’ve realized that I don’t shop when I’m happy. I don’t shop when I’m at peace. I don’t shop when I’m satisfied. I shop when I’m stressed or tired or out of balance. This has become a less than ideal habit that I need to break myself from in 2020. I’ve committed to asking myself “will this purchase make me happy, or will it fulfill me in some way?”. The answer in most cases is “no”. I’ve realized that the things that I own can sometimes end up owning me, my time, and my focus. I pay bills for things that I bought years ago and may not even use today. I owe money for items that didn’t bring me any more joy or happiness beyond the initial thrill of purchasing something new.

So what does make me happy? Experiences. Experiencing life, experiencing love, experiencing new adventures in new places with people that I care about. Having deep conversations around a fire with people I respect and admire. Those are the things that I remember. Those are the moments that I cherish and seek out. In 2020 I want to break myself of my shopping addiction and start building something better: a more stable financial future.

LESSON 5: YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS

You and you alone are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. Seeking happiness from a spouse, friend, child, or partner isn’t ultimately going to help you. Your happiness has to come from within. You have to work for it every single day by pursuing the things that fulfill you and help you grow. If you’re waiting on that perfect person to come into your life to make you happy, you’re going to be consistently disappointed. Anyone in your life should add to your happiness by helping you gain perspective, grow, and become a better person. Cut toxic people out of your life, and stop wallowing in toxic behaviors. Pursue the things that truly add to your fulfillment and enjoyment of life, but know when it’s necessary to do the hard work to get to those things. Anything worth having and that will truly add to your happiness isn’t easy or free. It takes work, commitment, and consistency to get to those goals. It’s also unfair to put the responsibility of your happiness on your partner. How can they be responsible for your happiness and theirs as well? Are you stifling their growth because you feel that it’s his or her responsibility to make sure that you’re happy? In order to find out what makes you happy you’re going to have to take time for some deep introspection to develop self-awareness. Again, this takes work, time, and a lot of effort, but in the end you’ll be a happier, more balanced human being.

What are some of the lesson’s that you learned in 2019? What are some of the goals that you have in 2020? Share them in a comment below!