In today’s political and social climate, the term masculinity or “masculine” gets a really bad rap. But is masculinity really a problem? In today’s post, we’re going to talk about masculinity in the modern age. 

WHAT IS MASCULINITY AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO ME?

As I stated in the title of this post, masculinity today gets a really bad rap. But what doesn’t it mean to be “masculine”? Is it going out and chasing girls? Is it getting into fights? Is it cat-calling strangers? Is it dominating those around you and displaying physical strength?

So what is masculinity? How do we define it? Masculinity is defined as a set of behaviors or standards associated with boys and men.  To me, masculinity is the totality of the things I’ve learned about being a man, and what it means to be a man. In my mind, masculinity is none of these characteristics alone. Masculinity is a mindset. It’s a way of carrying yourself and relating to the world. It’s the underlying principles that help us govern our behavior, and helps us as men to bring value to our families, our homes, and our communities.

Masculinity dictates how I interact with my family, my peers, my community, and the world around me. Masculinity helps me relate to, but not be controlled by, my emotions and feelings. It doesn’t mean that you can’t cry, it doesn’t mean that you can’t show emotion. It doesn’t mean that your wife or significant other can’t have any job but taking care of your offspring, and it doesn’t mean that you’re the one who has to be the sole breadwinner of your family. Masculinity means taking responsibility and ownership of your actions and views. It means taking action in your community. It means being truthful and honest with your family, friends, partners, and those you influence. Masculinity means checking your ego and checking your bullshit at the door, and genuinely connecting with and supporting those in your life. 

THE VERY BEST AND VERY WORST

Now masculinity isn’t a singular lesson that I was taught. It’s more the totality of the experiences and examples that I’ve learned from men in my life that I respect. I’ve been very fortunate to experience both the very best, and the very worst examples of what it means to be a man. My lessons in manhood started with my grandfather. My grandfather was a huge influence in my life. He taught me things like how to shave, how to change the oil in my car, and how to work until I had nothing left to give in support of my family. But what he also taught me was respect. He showed me, through his own example how to live with respect and love for your family. He taught me how to show your respect for your family by being present and accountable for their well-being. He taught me how to be gentle when it was right to be gentle, but he also showed me how to be assertive, and sometimes even aggressive when necessary. He showed me that being strong in body, mind, and spirit were admirable qualities that I should pursue. He showed me that men need meaning and responsibility in their life in order to be truly fulfilled as men. For him, that responsibility was caring for and providing for his family. It was teaching and helping his kids and grandkids grow into contributing members of society and the community. 

Now on the other side of the coin, you have my father who was not a man that deserved my respect or admiration. That was a hard lesson to learn as every little boy wants to love and be loved by their father. But as I grew up I realized that he was not the man I wanted to be. I wanted him to be the man that I thought he should be, instead of the man he really was. He was immature. He blamed his poor behavior on things that happened in his past and had little control over his emotions. He acted impulsively and focused on material things and pleasures for his fulfillment and joy. He lied, cheated and disengaged from others when things got difficult. In short, he never grew from a boy to a man and constantly felt that he had to prove how “manly” he was through aggression, posturing, and possessions.

TWO SIDES OF MODERN MASCULINITY

These are in my mind the two sides of modern masculinity. On one hand, you have men who are committed to the betterment of themselves, their families and their community. On the other, you have “men” who chase pleasure, instant gratification, and personal gain with no accountability for their actions, emotions, or outcomes. What we see and characterize as “toxic masculinity” is really just men lacking guidance on how to be men. We see boys who’ve grown into the bodies of men, but who lack the mental fortitude and convictions of real men. They act with impulsiveness, carry themselves with bravado and are more concerned with finding the next pleasurable activity than taking responsibility and chasing goals and personal growth. From this attitude we’ve seen the rise of rape culture and the idea that “boys will be boys”.

Real men, on the other hand, take responsibility for their actions. They’re accountable for the outcomes of their decisions. They’re leaders, fathers, brothers, coaches, and mentors. These are the men who will go out of their way to not only be leaders inside their own home but will become leaders outside of their home and in their community. These are the men who teach us what it truly means to be a man, and that being a man isn’t inherently bad. They teach us that we’re not simply at the mercy of our hormones and genetic programming, but that we can overcome this to find true meaning and fulfillment in our lives.

Being masculine isn’t bravado or machismo. It’s not about who can sleep with the most partners or make the most money or drive the fanciest car. It’s about commitment to your convictions, about knowing who you are as a person. It’s about coaching others to be their absolute best and setting an example of how men can and should behave. It’s about leading your family and walking in partnership and love with your significant other. It’s about putting the needs of your family and community first before your own. It’s about leaving your mark and creating a legacy of caring, support, connection, and love. Too often we conflate “masculinity” with the fleeting displays of immature behavior exhibited by “men”. It’s our job to stand up as men and provide the right examples and to show young boys how to become great men. They teach us that a man does not run from hardship and difficulty. That’s life. Things are hard sometimes. But if you want the blessings and fruitful rewards, you have to take responsibility and find meaning in your life as a man. 

So how can we be better men?

So how can we be better men? How can we be better leaders, fathers, husbands, and community influencers?

1. Find your tribe! If you surround yourself with the lame, you’ll walk with a limp (thanks Mark Bell). If you surround yourself with mediocre man-children, you yourself will be a mediocre man child. The people you surround yourself with directly influences how you see the world and the effort you’re willing to put into pursuing your own growth and success. I didn’t have my father in my life growing up, but I was blessed to have my grandfather, who was a tremendously positive influence on my life and my understanding of manhood. I also have had some amazing male mentors in my life who were not a part of my family. However, I had to find those. Don’t be afraid to seek out positive male role models in your life. Maybe they’re church leaders, members of your community, or a coach that you respect. Seek them out, and ask them for their advice.

2. Don’t bullshit yourself. Don’t let yourself use excuses for not being where you want to be in life, love, or personal growth. This means taking responsibility and radical ownership of your actions, and for the outcomes of those action. Personal growth and maturity are difficult endeavors and they require constant work. Commit to telling yourself the truth. Commit to being honest with yourself about your struggles, strengths, and opportunities. Ask your mentors to do the same. Sometimes those hard truths may be hard to accept, but they will help us continue to improve ourselves.

3. Practice gratitude. Be thankful and grateful for every single opportunity that’s presented to you. You deserve exactly what you have. (Let me say that again for the people in the back). YOU DESERVE EXACTLY WHAT YOU HAVE. This means that you deserve no more and no less than what you’ve worked for. The universe doesn’t owe you anything that you’re not willing to put effort (real effort) into. If you want half-assed results, then put in half-assed effort. Anything worthwhile takes time, work, consistency and dedication to achieve.

4. Get a handle on the little things. Make your bed. Clean up after yourself. Exercise. Be reliable. These might seem like small things, but if you’re not able to control your immediate environment and the things that you have direct influence over, then why do you think that you can control (or should control) anything outside of that environment? Start doing the little things well and consistently. Committing to doing these small acts, although seemingly meaningless can produce a radical shift in your frame of mind. Commit to making small changes and you’ll be well on your way to making big changes.

5. Master your emotions. Being a man is not about being emotionless. Men cry. We feel deeply. We love, care, and can exhibit compassion and understanding. Being a man doesn’t mean being hard and callous. It means having a healthy relationship with your emotions and being able to relate to them in a meaningful way. It means that you’re not controlled by your emotions and that your behavior isn’t dictated by your emotions. Blaming your emotions is another way of shifting responsibility away from yourself. If you don’t have good examples in your life of how to relate to your emotions, then I highly recommend going to see a therapist. Seeking help to become a better man is not a sign of weakness. It shows that you’re taking responsibility for your life and your personal growth. Emotions are not something to be hidden away and stifled, but they should also not be in control of our lives.

As men we need to change the way we relate to the world

As men, we need to change the way that we relate to the world. Masculinity and male energy are not things to shy away from or to be discouraged. In fact, I believe that we should encourage our boys and young men to exhibit these traits. However, we need to teach them to exhibit the right forms of masculinity, not just what they see on television. Masculinity and male-ness is about leading, learning, loving, and being confident in who you are as a human being. We need to teach them about selflessness and sacrifice for the greater good and not about the pursuit of fleeting pleasures and material things. We’re here to be leaders of our communities, leaders in our homes, protectors, and providers. But we can’t do that without men who are willing to teach, coach and mentor a generation of lost boys who have no one to turn to.