“The old model of toughness, in essence, throws people into the deep end of the pool but forgets that we need to first teach people how to swim.”
― Steve Magness, Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness

Tough, hard-nosed, gritty, unflappable. These are words that we often used to describe “tough” people. Start athletes, war heroes, legendary coaches. There’s a mythos surrounding the idea of “old school” toughness that we as Americans (and around the world) have come to associate with success in the face of adversity. But what if what we know about toughness, true toughness is wrong? What if the “old school” approach to building toughness, actually creates more fragility, less critical thinking skills, and less adaptable, less resilient people? What if that approach did more harm than good? How can we apply that to how we raise our the next generation? I’ve recently been listening to the book Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness by Steven Magness. This book is about the science and understanding of how we cultivate toughness and resiliency, and how we’ve gotten it wrong for so long. But how can we apply this to parenting?

the science of parenting styles

In the 1960’s psychologist Diana Baurmind pioneered a study related to a parenting style and child behavior. This led to the observation of 4 distinct parenting styles:

• Authoritative parenting

• Authoritarian parenting (or disciplinarian)

• Permissive parenting (indulgent)

• Neglectful parenting (uninvolved)

Each of these parenting styles was characterized by its levels of demandingness and responsiveness. Demandingness refers to the extent to which parents control their childs behavior and demand maturity. Responsiveness is the degree to which parents are accepting and sensitive to their children’s emotional and developmental needs. (Source: https://www.parentingforbrain.com/4-baumrind-parenting-styles/)

The old school approach

When we think of authoritarian parents, we can think of the “old school” approach. The general, the classic football coach, the demanding parent who expects perfection, provides little warmth, and seeks to raise a “tough” kid. This type of parent sets high standards, but all communication is one way. Think of the because I said so parent. Authoritarian parents often resort to harsher punishments as a way to maintain behavioral control. They also tend to be unresponsive to their childs needs and are generally not nurturing. Mean treatment is meant to “toughen up” their kids.

But what happens when parents use this approach? How do their kids turn out? Do they actually end up tougher and more resilient than their peers? The answer is an unequivocal no.

Children raised in this manner tend to:

• Be less independent

• Have lower self-esteem

• Exhibit lower academic performance

• Have poorer social skills

• More likely to have drug use problems

• Have worse coping skills (i.e. be less resilient)

• Have more temper tantrums

the coddling parent

So what about going the opposite way into indulgent parenting? What happens when parents exhibit low demandingness and high responsiveness? We all know this parent. The parent who never sets boundaries, whose household has very few rules. The parent who lets their kid run wild without any discipline, who caters to their childs every need, demand, and whim without question. How do these kids fare? Children of permissive parents tend to have the worst outcomes:

• Have difficulty or cannot follow rules

• Have little self-control

• Have egocentric tendencies

• Have more difficulty with relationships and social interactions

The classic example would be the spoiled kid who grows up with everything at their fingertips, surrounded by “yes” people who grows into a spoiled teenager, and eventually and entitled and petulant adult. This person isn’t able to handle when things don’t go their way. When things don’t go as planned (or as they wanted) they’ll throw a tantrum, scream, yell, threaten, and generally act like a toddler who missed their nap time.

finding a balance

So what if we find a middle ground? That’s where the authoritative parenting style comes in. This parenting style has high demandingness and high responsiveness. Authoritative parents expect a lot from their kids in terms of achievement and maturity, but they are also warm and responsive. Parents who employ this style set clear boundaries and rules, but enforce them by having discussions, giving guidance, and using reasoning. Parents in this category are responsive to their childs needs and provide them with a lot of freedom, encouraging autonomy and communication.

So how to the children of authoritative parents fare? The tend to:

• Appear happier and more content

• Be more independent

• Be more active

• Have high academic performance

• Have better self-esteem

• Have competent social skills

• Have better mental health

• Exhibit less violent tendencies

• Have a more secure bond and healthier attachments to parents and others

raising resilient (truly tough) children

So how does all of this contribute to raising resilient children? Our understanding of “toughness” has often been mischaracterized as the stoic, unflappable tough person who feels nothing, and bulldozes forward without regard for any obstacle. But not only have we misunderstood what true toughness is, but we’ve woefully misunderstood how that toughness is cultivated. That’s because it’s not about toughness at all, it’s about adaptability and resilience. Resilience and adaptability may give the appearance of our classic view of toughness, but that’s only on the surface. Adaptable and resilient kids can look at a problem and instead of freezing because there’s no one to tell them what to do, or giving up because no one has demanded that they complete a task, they adapt. They use their critical thinking skills and emotional intelligence coupled with their self confidence to think through the problem, and it’s potential solutions. And when things don’t go their way? They have the emotional skills to understand that not all endeavors end in success, and that when things don’t go their way they have the ability to cope and not lose confidence in themselves or their ability to solve future problems. Cultivating resilience in our kids takes work, real work. Being an authoritarian is the easy way out, as is being and indulgent parent. Being an authoritative parent and cultivating resilience means talking things through, providing explanations, and building concensus around boundaries, rules, and expectations. But if we can cultivate these skills in ourselves, then we can cultivate them in others and help to build the next generation of truly tough leaders.

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