FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A GOOD DAD
““I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.””
Since the day I found out that I was going to be a father, I’ve spent countless hours wondering “Am I a good dad?”. I think that this is a question that often plagues those who, in the deepest reaches of their beings yearn to be the type of father that they had, or wish they had. At its best, it’s a driving force unlike any other. At its worst, it’s a creeping voice of doubt that makes you question your decisions, your fitness for the role of fatherhood, and your ability to fulfill the idealistic character that you’ve built in your head. Ultimately, we won’t know if we’re good dads until many years later, when our children are grown. So what makes a good father? While there’s no single definition of a good dad, there are some common themes that I’ve observed from conversations with other dads. The good news? If you’re asking yourself if you’re a good dad, then you’re already halfway there.
YOu regularly think about your family’s well-being and happiness
Being a father means putting your family first. It means that you worry about your kids, their well-being, and their development. Their happiness and experience is at the front of your mind, always. Thinking about their well being means making decisions that in short term might be difficult for you, but in the long term will benefit your family. It means that you place value on seeing them be happy and fulfilled, and that, in turn bring you fulfillment and happiness.
You understand that self-improvement is a key ingredient to being a good dad
We’re never going to be perfect. As dads it’s important that we understand where our strengths and weaknesses are and develop a pathway to using them or fixing them. We may have trauma from our past that we need to deal with. Maybe we didn’t get the education that we wanted, or aren’t in the physical or spiritual shape that we want to be in. Our job as fathers is to lead our families by example. Read, exercise, meditate, journal. Think of ways that you can continue to build a better version of yourself. While your kids might get the majority of your energy and attention, it’s important that as dads we continuously learn and evolve to become the best version of ourselves that we’re capable of.
YOu value your time with your children and they value time with you
Kids need attention, they need to be shown that they have value and purpose and that above all else your attention and effort is focused on them. If your kids ask to spend time with you, that’s a sure sign that they value your presence. By spending time with them, focusing on and sharing what their interests are, and conversely allowing them to spend time sharing your interests, you’re showing them that they are valuable part of your life. You’re showing them that you understand how important it is to spend time with them, to teach them, and to guide them. We’re all guilty of wanting to check out when we’re stressed and disengage by looking at our phones or watching TV. We live in a world of distraction. So if you’re making a concerted effort to spend time with your kids, device free, learning and exploring with them, then you’re setting a prime example of how to truly be a family.
You lead by example
“Do as I say, not as I do”. We’ve all heard it. We’ve probably said it at some point. But our kids learn by the example that we set. They look at how we treat people, how we treat our partners, and how we treat them. They look at the habits that we have, the activities that we engage in, and what we place value on to build out their view of the world and how they exist in it. As fathers, it’s our job to lead by example. That’s why self-improvement is so important. This is why dealing with our own trauma is so crucial to raising healthy kids. Becoming a father put extra weight on the decisions that I make every day. I’m always asking myself “if my kids saw me doing this, would I be proud that they knew, or would I be ashamed”? Lead the life that you would want them to lead. Show them, don’t tell them.
You’re slow to anger and quick to apologize
“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on—it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance—unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.”
Like many men, there are times when my temper gets the best of me. I get frustrated and upset when something doesn’t go the way that I believe it should. I’ve snapped at my partner when I feel overwhelmed or overtired or stressed out. We all make mistakes but it’s how we deal with those mistakes that makes a world of difference. Some people believe that kids should never see their parents argue, but arguments are a part of any relationship. What really matters is how far those arguments escalate, and how they’re resolved. If you let arguments spiral out of control into name calling or accusation, then you’re showing your children that that’s how they should be in their future relationships. You’re showing them that it’s not important to respect your partner, even in disagreement. But if we can show our kids that even when we argue, that we can try to see the other persons perspective, that we can apologize for being short with one another, that we can show respect to one another even when we’re not seeing eye to eye, then we’re truly setting the example for how they should treat others, and be treated. We’re showing them what’s acceptable in a relationship, we’re showing them what a loving, stable environment looks like.
While we may ask ourselves often if we’re doing a good job, if we’re being good dads, in many ways that’s the biggest and most important step towards being one. It means that you’re trying and that you truly care about your children and their happiness and future, and that’s really what it’s all about.